Episode 10- The Poison of Comparison

What if you stopped chasing the imaginary perfect couple and started loving the messy, beautiful marriage you actually have?

The one you’re living in today.

Comparison has a sneaky way of slipping into our marriages and quietly stealing joy, connection, and presence. This conversation is for every woman who has ever scrolled, looked around, or listened to someone else’s story and thought, why aren’t we like them?

Let’s talk about why comparison is poisonous, where it comes from, and how to break the cycle for good.

Why Comparison Feels So Convincing

Comparison usually shows up disguised as something helpful.

Our brains are constantly looking for evidence. Evidence that we are doing okay. Evidence that we are enough. Evidence that our marriage is safe, solid, and worthy.

So we start sizing ourselves up.

We compare our marriage to other marriages.
Our husband to other husbands.
Our life to someone else’s life.

The brain thinks it is protecting us. In reality, it is draining us.

All that mental energy goes toward one goal. Trying to feel happier, safer, or more loved.

And comparison promises it can get us there.

It can’t.

The Value Scale We Made Up

None of us are born believing we are not enough.

That belief is learned.

As kids, we start creating an imaginary scale in our minds. We look at siblings, friends, classmates, and family members and unconsciously ask, where do I fall here?

Who gets more attention?
Who is praised more?
Who seems easier to love?

As we get older, the comparisons just get louder.

Houses.
Money.
Parenting.
Marriage.
Success.

We keep checking the scale, hoping to land on the right side of it.

But the scale itself is fake.

Wanting and Lacking: The Two Faces of Comparison

Comparison usually shows up in one of two ways.

Wanting.
“I’ll feel better when I look like that, have that, or become that.”

Lacking.
“I’m behind. I don’t have enough. Something is wrong with me or my marriage.”

Sometimes we even flip it around to make ourselves feel better by saying, at least I’m not like them.

But no matter which direction we go, we are still comparing.

And comparison always pulls us out of connection and into judgment.

Why Comparison Is So Toxic to Your Marriage

Comparison does real damage when it comes to intimacy and connection.

It steals attention.
It drains emotional energy.
It keeps you focused on what is missing instead of what is present.

We start spending more time analyzing our marriage than actually being in it.

Instead of presence, there is performance.
Instead of curiosity, there is criticism.
Instead of connection, there is constant evaluation.

And one of the most painful parts is this.

We compare our bloopers to everyone else’s highlight reel.

We take our hardest moments and stack them against someone else’s best ones and then wonder why we feel discouraged.

Presence Is the Antidote

Presence is when your mind and your body are in the same place at the same time.

That includes the good feelings and the uncomfortable ones.

Being present does not mean everything feels calm or easy. It means you are willing to notice what is happening inside you without escaping into comparison or overthinking.

Thinking can be a form of avoidance.
Presence is honesty.

And intimacy grows in honesty.

From Performance to Alignment

Comparison often pushes us into rushing and forcing.

Trying to catch up.
Trying to hit milestones.
Trying to prove something.

But alignment feels different.

Alignment sounds like asking, what actually feels right for us?

Not what looks good.
Not what keeps up with others.
Not what checks the boxes.

Connection grows when you stop performing and start listening to your own relationship.

The First Shift: Your Thoughts Are Optional

Here is something that changes everything.

Your thoughts are optional.

Your brain is flexible. What you believe today does not have to be what you believe tomorrow.

The first step is awareness.

Noticing when comparison shows up and naming it.

There I go again.
I’m comparing.
This isn’t helpful.

Sometimes it helps to add this phrase.

This is the story I’m telling myself.

That small shift creates space between you and the thought. It reminds you that a thought is not a fact.

Turning Comparison Into Curiosity

Comparison can actually become useful if you let it point you inward.

Instead of asking, why aren’t we like them, try asking:

What am I craving right now?
What do I actually want more of?
What feels missing for me?

Maybe it’s playfulness.
Maybe it’s security.
Maybe it’s deeper conversation or shared time.

Let comparison be a clue, not a verdict.

Talk About the Feeling, Not the Judgment

One of the biggest shifts in marriage happens when you stop leading with criticism and start leading with honesty.

Judgment sounds like blame and comparison.

Honesty sounds like sharing the feeling underneath.

Instead of pointing fingers, center the need.

Connection grows when your partner hears your heart, not your evaluation.

Create a Vision That Is Yours

Every marriage needs its own definition.

Not society’s version.
Not social media’s version.
Not your family’s version.

Yours.

What kind of couple are you building together?
What matters to you?
What feels authentic and alive in your relationship?

When you create a shared vision, outside comparisons lose their grip.

Celebrate What Makes You You

Every relationship has its own rhythm, language, and quirks.

The inside jokes.
The routines.
The little rituals that no one else sees.

Those things matter.

They are not distractions from a good marriage. They are the marriage.

The more you own what makes your relationship unique, the less tempting comparison becomes.

The Truth About Worth

Here is the truth that dissolves comparison at the root.

Your worth is not up for debate.

Just like a hundred dollar bill does not lose its value when it is crumpled, your worth does not change based on your marriage, your past, your bank account, or anyone else’s opinion.

You were born worthy.
You remain worthy.
Nothing can take that away.

When you truly know this, there is nothing left to compare.

What If You Settled In Instead of Looking Out?

What if you stopped scanning for what you are missing and started noticing what is already yours?

What if you looked at your marriage the way you might look at your home and thought, this is ours, and it is enough?

Comparison pulls you outward.
Contentment brings you home.

And when you stop comparing, you make room for gratitude, intimacy, and joy to grow right where you are.

Nothing has to change for you to start loving what already exists.