Episode 11- Go Dark to Grow Light

Many wives are quietly circling the same unspoken thing in their marriage.

It might be sex, money, trust, parenting, or something that just feels off. You both know it’s there, but you keep walking around it, hoping it will shrink if you don’t look too closely.

But it doesn’t.

What we avoid expands.
And what we refuse to face slowly drains us emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

This conversation is about choosing a different path. One that leads through the hard places instead of around them. Because real intimacy does not grow in comfort. It grows in courage.

The 25 Percent We Keep Avoiding

Most marriages aren’t completely broken.

They’re often mostly good.

If you were to put your relationship on a scale, maybe seventy five percent feels solid. You laugh together. You function well. Life works.

And then there’s the other twenty five percent.

The topic you never touch.
The pattern you tiptoe around.
The conversation that feels too risky to start.

That unspoken space slowly becomes heavier. The more you avoid it, the more energy it takes to keep avoiding it. Eventually, the balance shifts, and that smaller piece starts to dominate everything.

This is where exhaustion comes from.

Why Darkness Is Not the Enemy

Some of the greatest growth in life comes from the darkest places.

A child grows in darkness before being born.
A seed lives unseen beneath frozen ground before it blooms.
Even hope, throughout history, has often emerged from deep suffering.

Darkness itself is not the problem. Avoidance is.

When we refuse to look at the hard parts of our marriage, they don’t disappear. They intensify.

Light comes from willingness, not denial.

A Lesson From Fear and Public Speaking

Fear grows when we pretend it isn’t there.

In public speaking, the instinct is to avoid the dark corners of the room. You look away. You focus on the safe spots. But the more you avoid the darkness, the more isolated and paralyzed you become.

The way through is counterintuitive.

You notice the fear.
You name it.
You turn toward the dark places and make eye contact.

Marriage works the same way.

What we are willing to face loses its power over us.

Even Bees Know It’s Worth the Energy

Every living thing is wired to conserve energy.

We avoid hard conversations because we believe they will cost too much emotionally. We assume it is easier to stay quiet.

But avoidance is far more expensive.

Bees only exert energy when it is worth it. When they find an abundant source, they return to the hive and communicate through movement and effort because the reward is greater than the cost.

Hard conversations work the same way.

Growth requires energy, but the return is connection, clarity, and peace.

Common Dark Places in Marriage

Every relationship has vulnerable areas. Some of the most common include finances, sexual intimacy, trust, parenting differences, extended family boundaries, mental health, unfulfilled dreams, addiction, power struggles, and grief.

You likely already know which one applies to you.

The one you’re hoping doesn’t come up.
The one you feel tense even thinking about.

That’s the doorway.

Feel. Face. Flourish.

This is a simple but powerful framework for walking into the hard places instead of away from them.

Feel

Start by noticing what’s there.

Name the emotion without judging it. Fear. Sadness. Anger. Shame. Grief.

Ask yourself what you’ve been emotionally tiptoeing around. What feels too uncomfortable to say out loud.

Sit with it instead of running from it.

Feeling is not weakness. It is awareness.

Face

Facing means choosing honesty over silence.

It looks like initiating the conversation you’ve been avoiding, using language rooted in truth and care. Not to fix everything at once, but to create connection and clarity.

The goal is not immediate resolution. The goal is presence.

One helpful practice is scheduling intentional discomfort. Create space when you are grounded and safe to talk about the things that matter most.

Growth doesn’t happen by accident. It happens on purpose.

Flourish

Flourishing comes after courage.

When you face the hard places, something shifts. There may be tears. There may be tenderness. There may still be uncertainty.

But there is also closeness.

You begin to see your marriage not as something to manage or avoid, but as a place where growth is possible.

That is where healing lives.

Suffering or Growing

There are only two directions a marriage can move.

Suffering or growing.

Avoidance leads to slow suffocation. Growth requires effort, honesty, and energy, but it creates life.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

The difference is whether you are willing to be present with what is real.

Choosing the Light by Walking Through the Dark

Presence does not mean everything feels peaceful.

Presence means you are willing to acknowledge both the light and the dark within you and within your marriage.

When you stop running from the hard parts, you reclaim your energy. You create space for intimacy, honesty, and real connection.

You don’t go into the darkness to stay there.
You go there to grow light.

And the wildflowers are worth the walk.