Episode 9- Letting Go of Control

There is a specific kind of woman this conversation is for.

The capable one.
The take charge one.
The woman who gets things done, keeps life moving, and usually ends up steering the whole boat.

And for a long time, that control feels like safety.

Until it doesn’t.

Until you realize you are doing everything.
Until resentment quietly creeps in.
Until you look at your partner and think, “Why am I carrying all of this by myself?”

If that sounds familiar, you are not broken. You are not too much. And you are definitely not alone.

How Control Sneaks In

Most women who struggle with control in their marriage are not trying to dominate or micromanage. They are trying to feel safe.

Control usually starts as a coping mechanism. Somewhere along the way, you learned that being in charge kept things from falling apart. That if you handled it, managed it, planned it, decided it, things would be okay.

So you took the lead.

You became the one who decides what’s for dinner, how the kids are parented, when things happen, how money is handled, where the family is going, and what matters.

At first, it feels empowering.

But over time, it turns heavy.

The Gatekeeper Problem

One of the most powerful things I have ever heard a client say was this:

“I don’t want to be the gatekeeper anymore.”

She was exhausted. Not just physically, but emotionally.

She was tired of being the one who decided everything.
Tired of being responsible for everyone’s comfort and happiness.
Tired of feeling like she had a partner in name, but not in practice.

And here is the hard truth.

You cannot want a partner to step up while also holding all the control.

There is no room for partnership when one person is managing the entire system.

Why Control Creates Distance

Control gives us a false sense of safety.

It feels like, “If I can predict the outcome, I can protect myself emotionally.”

But control comes with a cost.

It stifles intimacy.
It kills spontaneity.
It creates resentment.
It keeps you in a constant low grade state of tension.

And eventually, it disconnects you from the version of yourself that feels soft, open, playful, and grounded.

The version of you that trusts life instead of bracing against it.

Control Is Rooted in Fear, Not Freedom

Most control is driven by fear.

Fear of being disappointed.
Fear of being let down.
Fear of things falling apart.
Fear of not being supported.

When fear is driving, your nervous system stays on high alert. You cannot fully relax. You cannot fully receive. And you definitely cannot fully trust.

That is not real safety.

Real safety is vulnerability.
Real safety is groundedness.
Real safety is knowing you can handle whatever comes, even if it is uncomfortable.

The Shift From Control to Trust

Trust does not mean passivity.
It does not mean lowering standards.
It does not mean pretending things are fine when they are not.

Trust starts with honesty.

Honesty with yourself about what you are actually feeling.
Honesty about being overwhelmed.
Honesty about feeling lonely, unseen, or unsupported.

And then the willingness to share that truth without trying to manage the outcome.

Control says, “I need to know everything to feel okay.”
Trust says, “I am open, even when I don’t know how this will go.”

That shift changes everything.

How to Know If You’re in Control or Trust

Here is the simplest way to tell.

Ask yourself this question.

“If my partner doesn’t do what I ask or expect, how do I feel?”

If you feel tight, angry, irritated, or heated in your body, that is control.
You were attached to the outcome.

Trust sounds different.

Trust says, “This is what I’m feeling.”
“This is my reality right now.”
“This is hard, and I can still stay open.”

Trust allows space for both people to grow.

Love Becomes Conditional Under Control

One of the biggest shifts happens when you realize this.

Control makes love conditional.

“If you do this, I feel loved.”
“If you don’t, I don’t.”

Trust allows love to exist even when things are imperfect.

And that does not mean ignoring issues. It means addressing them from vulnerability instead of armor.

Letting Go Is Uncomfortable, and Worth It

Choosing trust over control is uncomfortable at first.

It requires you to feel things you have been managing away.
It asks you to soften when you are used to being tough.
It invites you to stop leading from fear and start leading from truth.

But on the other side of that discomfort is connection.

Real partnership.
Deeper intimacy.
More peace inside your own body.

If This Is Hitting Close to Home

If you are trying to control something in your marriage, ask yourself why.

What are you afraid would happen if you let go?
What are you trying to protect yourself from feeling?

Most of the time, underneath the control is a woman who just wants to feel safe, loved, and supported.

And here is the truth I want you to hold onto.

You are capable of feeling uncomfortable emotions and still being okay.
You are capable of navigating hard conversations.
You are capable of growth, evolution, and change.

You do not need control to be safe.

Trust creates the safety you have been craving all along.

And you do not have to do this alone.