Episode 8- Questioning Marriage

Have you ever felt like you are doing all the right things in your marriage, but something still feels off?

Like you are showing up, keeping the wheels turning, doing the work, but deep down there is this quiet feeling that says, “Something is missing,” and you cannot quite put your finger on it.

That feeling is what this conversation is about.

Not the surface level questions like what are we having for dinner or who is picking up the kids, but the real ones. The ones we usually avoid because they feel scary.

Is this marriage growing with me?
Is this still where I want to be?
What do I actually need right now?

And here is the part that might surprise you. These questions are not just about your relationship with your spouse. They are about your relationship with yourself.

Why We Are Afraid to Ask

A lot of us were taught, directly or indirectly, that questioning means something is wrong. That if you are asking these kinds of questions, you must be ungrateful, dramatic, or on the verge of blowing everything up.

So instead, we stay quiet. We stay busy. We keep going through the motions.

But the truth is, when we stop asking questions, we do not stay the same. We slowly stagnate. And over time, that stagnation can turn into resentment, disconnection, or that numb, blah feeling where you are technically fine but not really alive.

Questioning your marriage does not hurt it. Avoiding honesty does.

The Stage Most Marriages Live In

There is a concept I love that comes from a book called Stages of Faith by James Fowler. It completely changed how I see marriage and personal growth.

In simple terms, many of us live a huge portion of our lives in a stage where our beliefs, roles, and expectations are inherited. We do things because that is how it was modeled. That is how our parents did it. That is what our religion, culture, or community told us marriage should look like.

We slide into roles without ever really choosing them.

Who works. Who stays home. Who carries the emotional load. What a good marriage looks like. What a good wife looks like.

And for a lot of people, this works just fine.

But for some of us, something inside starts to stir.

When It Starts to Feel Off

This is usually when women come to me and say, “Nothing is technically wrong, but I feel disconnected,” or “I feel like I am going through the motions,” or “I love my family, but I feel like I am losing myself.”

That feeling is not a sign that you are broken or ungrateful. It is often a sign that you are growing.

Growth creates friction. Expansion creates discomfort.

And this is where the real work begins.

Leaving the Herd

Moving into the next stage of growth means you stop living on autopilot and start asking yourself what you actually believe, want, and need now, not ten years ago, not based on what everyone else is doing.

I always describe this like leaving the herd.

When you are in the herd, everyone moves together. No one stands out. No one asks too many questions. It feels safe, but it can also feel suffocating.

Stepping out of the herd is uncomfortable. You might want different things. More space. More connection. More purpose. More honesty. Different roles. A different rhythm.

And here is the key. Asking yourself these questions does not automatically mean you will change everything. Sometimes the answer is, “Yes, this is exactly what I want.”

But now it is chosen, not assumed.

That changes everything.

Rebuilding With Intention

This stage of growth can feel scary because it often feels like tearing down an old foundation. Beliefs you have carried for years suddenly get examined.

Do I still believe this?
Do I still want this?
Does this actually fit who I am becoming?

It can feel messy. Emotional. Vulnerable.

But it is also where intimacy deepens, communication becomes more honest, and connection becomes real again. Not performative. Not obligatory. Real.

This is where you stop waiting for your spouse to change and start taking responsibility for your own growth, your own needs, and your own voice.

And Yes, Sometimes It Leads Somewhere New

I want to say this gently and honestly.

Sometimes asking these questions brings couples closer. Sometimes it reshapes the relationship in beautiful ways. And sometimes it leads to a transition into a different chapter.

That does not mean you failed.

What if asking these questions actually leads to more love, more respect, and more peace, even if the relationship looks different than you once imagined?

What if the bravest thing you ever do is choose honesty over fear?

Your Permission Slip

If you are feeling off, disconnected, restless, or stuck, let this be your permission slip.

You are allowed to question.
You are allowed to reflect.
You are allowed to evolve.

This is not a one day exercise. This is a lifelong conversation with yourself.

And the more honest you are, the more alive your marriage and your life can become.

I am right here with you in it.