Episode 36: Hobbies, Husbands, and the Myth of “Doing Everything Together”

There is a quiet pressure many women carry in their marriage that rarely gets named.

The belief that if you loved each other enough, you would want the same things. The same hobbies. The same interests. The same ways of spending time.

And when that does not happen, it can feel confusing. Lonely. Even a little scary.

If your husband loves things you do not care about at all, and you secretly wonder if something is wrong, let this be your deep exhale.

Nothing is broken.

The Myth of Doing Everything Together

One of the most common pain points I hear from women is this idea that connection requires shared activities.

We tell ourselves stories like
We have nothing in common
He is always gone doing his own thing
We never do anything together

And underneath those thoughts is a deeper fear. That distance means disconnection. That separate interests mean separation.

But that assumption is not true.

You do not need shared hobbies to have a connected marriage. What you need is shared values.

Why Forcing Yourself Never Works

Many women have tried to solve this by pretending.

Pretending to enjoy the hobby. Pretending to care about the game. Pretending to be interested because it feels like the loving thing to do.

But pretending always creates quiet resentment.

When you force yourself into something that is not authentic, your body knows. Your nervous system knows. And over time, connection actually erodes rather than grows.

Love does not deepen through performance. It deepens through honesty.

Activities Are Not the Point. Values Are.

On paper, some couples look wildly incompatible.

Different interests. Different rhythms. Different ways of relaxing. Different preferences for how to spend time.

But when you look underneath the surface, you often find something powerful.

Shared values expressed in different ways.

One partner finds stillness through hiking or fishing. The other finds stillness through walks, journaling, or quiet mornings.
One values learning through science and facts. The other through personal growth and spirituality.
One expresses creativity through music or building. The other through cooking, organizing, or creating a warm home.

Different expressions. Same values.

Connection is built by honoring the why, not forcing the how.

When Hobbies Start to Hurt

There are times when separate hobbies feel painful, not because they are separate, but because something deeper feels unbalanced.

Resentment often shows up when one partner feels overburdened, unseen, or unsupported. When one person carries the majority of the responsibility while the other appears free to come and go.

That is not a hobby issue. That is a partnership issue.

And it deserves honest attention.

Balance does not mean everything is equal at all times. It means both people feel considered. It means there is room for rest, individuality, and contribution on both sides.

The Question to Ask Yourself

Instead of asking,
Should I do this hobby with him

Try asking,
What do I think doing this together would give me

Most women are not longing for the activity. They are longing for the feeling they believe the activity will create.

Connection. Safety. Closeness. Feeling chosen.

The truth is, you can have those feelings without forcing yourself into something you do not want to do.

A Simple Rule That Changes Everything

Do the things you want to do. Do not do the things you do not want to do.

This sounds almost too simple, but it requires deep self honesty.

Knowing what you enjoy. Knowing what drains you. Knowing what feels aligned and what does not.

When you fully own yourself, your preferences, your values, your boundaries, something powerful happens.

You make space for your partner to do the same.

Authenticity Is the Connector

A healthy marriage is not built on changing yourself to be more lovable or asking your partner to become someone else so you feel secure.

It is built on this truth.

I am me.
You are you.
And together we create something unique.

When both people are allowed to be fully themselves, curiosity replaces resentment. Appreciation replaces control. Connection becomes natural again.

You do not need to fish together. Watch football together. Ride motorcycles together. Or share every interest.

You need honesty. Respect. Shared values. And the freedom to be who you actually are.

You Are Allowed to Be You

When you stop forcing alignment, love softens.

You get to enjoy what lights you up.
He gets to enjoy what lights him up.
And the marriage becomes a place of acceptance instead of obligation.

That is where real connection lives.

And that is more than enough.