Episode 37: Navigating Grief in Marriage

Grief changes everything.

It changes how you think, how you feel, how you show up, and how safe the world feels inside your body. And when you are married, it does not just affect you. It enters the space between you and your spouse.

Loss has a way of exposing differences that were always there but never felt so loud. Different coping styles. Different needs. Different ways of feeling safe.

And suddenly, what already hurts feels even heavier.

Grief Will Touch Every Marriage

Whether it is the loss of a parent, a friend, a sibling, a pregnancy, a pet, or even witnessing tragedy in the world, grief is not optional in this human experience.

It will make an appearance in your marriage.

Most of us were never taught how to navigate it together. We were not taught how to feel loss in our bodies, how to communicate when words feel impossible, or how to stay connected when our nervous systems are overwhelmed.

So when grief shows up, it can feel disorienting. Even lonely. Even when you are not alone.

When You Grieve Differently Than Your Spouse

One of the most painful parts of grief in marriage is realizing that you and your spouse may need opposite things.

One partner may withdraw, go quiet, and process internally.
The other may want closeness, conversation, reassurance, and physical connection.

Neither response is wrong. Both are deeply human.

The conflict begins when we interpret difference as rejection.

When withdrawal feels like abandonment.
When pursuit feels like pressure.

Grief amplifies attachment patterns, and without awareness, couples can unintentionally hurt each other while already hurting.

Let It Be Messy

The first ground rule of grief is this.

Let it be messy.

Grief is not linear. It is not tidy. It does not follow timelines or expectations. Some days you may function well. Other days you may feel like you cannot get out of bed.

Instead of trying to fix or control the experience, practice becoming an observer.

Notice how you respond.
Notice how your spouse responds.
Notice what changes and what stays the same.

This is not about judgment. It is about curiosity and compassion.

Nothing has gone wrong.

Lean Into What You Are Feeling

After allowing the messiness, the next step is leaning into it.

Grief is not something we think our way through. It is something we feel our way through.

When emotions stay trapped in the mind, they turn into rumination, replaying moments, and endless “should have” thoughts. This is often the brain trying to protect us from feeling pain.

But emotions live in the body.

When you allow yourself to feel grief physically, even for a short moment, something shifts. The nervous system begins to settle. Safety is restored internally.

Feeling is not weakness. It is regulation.

Why Avoidance Shows Up So Loudly

When grief is present, avoidance almost always follows.

Overworking.
Overeating.
Scrolling.
Drinking.
Shopping.
Staying busy.
Pulling away.

These behaviors are not character flaws. They are attempts to feel better.

Your brain is wired to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and preserve energy. When loss overwhelms the system, it reaches for whatever provides relief, even briefly.

Seeing this with compassion changes everything.

Of course I would do this.
Of course he would do that.

This awareness creates choice instead of shame.

Regulating Yourself Is How You Help Your Marriage

One of the most powerful shifts you can make during grief is learning how to regulate your own emotions instead of absorbing your partner’s.

When you take on his grief as your own, or he takes on yours, you become emotionally entangled. Both of you end up depleted.

True support comes from grounding yourself first.

When you allow yourself to feel, regulate, and stabilize internally, you create safety in the space between you. This is co‑regulation.

Your calm does not erase his grief. It gives him a place to rest.

Nothing Has Gone Wrong

Grief often comes with shame. The belief that you should be handling it better. Talking more. Crying less. Moving on faster.

Shame thrives in silence.

When you notice the urge to hide, withdraw, or pretend you are fine, pause and get curious. That urge is information, not failure.

Grief is part of development. It is part of becoming more human, not less.

Just like learning any new skill, it comes with discomfort, mistakes, and repetition.

You Are Not Doing This Wrong

If your marriage feels strained during grief, it does not mean your relationship is broken.

It means you are human.

It means you are learning how to hold loss, love, and partnership at the same time.

You are allowed to grieve differently.
You are allowed to need space or closeness.
You are allowed to move slowly.

This season is shaping you, even if it does not feel that way yet.

And you do not have to rush your way out of it.