Episode 22: The Rule That Can Change Your Marriage

There are moments in every marriage where we don’t show up the way we want to.

We react too fast.
We say something we wish we could take back.
We fight, shut down, people please, or spiral into guilt.

And afterward we sit with that heavy feeling of regret, wondering why this keeps happening and how to finally change it.

The truth is, those moments are not a character flaw. They are nervous system responses. And once you understand what is happening inside of you, you gain access to a completely different way of responding.

One that actually changes your marriage.

Why Triggers Are Inevitable

You will get triggered in marriage. That is not a failure. It is part of being human and being close to another person.

Triggers show up in small ways and big ways. A comment. A tone. A text message. A parenting moment. A disagreement that hits something deeper than logic.

When that happens, your nervous system takes over before your conscious mind has time to catch up. Your body is trying to protect you. And it usually does that in one of four ways.

Fight.
Flight.
Freeze.
Fawn.

Each of these responses has the same goal. To feel safe again.

Fighting tries to regain control.
Flight tries to escape.
Freeze tries to disappear.
Fawning tries to keep the peace by pleasing.

None of these responses are wrong. They are survival strategies. But they also do not create connection, clarity, or growth in a marriage.

Why Guilt and Shame Don’t Help Either

Many women don’t just react. They also turn inward afterward.

Guilt says, I did something wrong.
Shame says, I am something wrong.

Both pull you away from yourself. Both drain your energy. Both keep you stuck.

Guilt and shame do not create change. They create disconnection. From your partner and from yourself.

What actually creates change is awareness and intention.

The Rule That Changes Everything

The rule is simple, but not easy.

Pause.

That’s it.

Pause before you respond. Pause before you react. Pause before you explain, defend, fix, or apologize.

This pause creates space. Space for your nervous system to settle. Space for your emotions to move through. Space for you to choose how you want to show up instead of letting your old patterns choose for you.

Sometimes that pause is five minutes. Sometimes it is an hour. Sometimes it is a full day.

The discomfort you feel during that pause is not a problem. It is what I call worthy discomfort. The kind that leads to growth instead of regret.

What the Pause Gives You

When you pause, you gain access to something powerful.

Self-reflection.

Instead of asking, How do I make this feeling go away?
You ask, Who do I want to be here?

This is where real change begins.

I often think in terms of past self, present self, and future self. All versions deserve compassion. The version of you who reacted was doing the best she could with what she knew at the time.

But the pause gives you the opportunity to respond as the woman you are becoming.

I ask myself one simple question in those moments.

What would my most loving self do here?

That question cuts through fear, reactivity, and old habits. It brings clarity. It brings alignment. And it never leads to regret.

The Power of the Do-Over

One of the most practical tools we use in our family is the do-over.

A do-over is not an excuse. It is ownership.

It sounds like,
“That’s not how I want to show up. Can I try again?”

This teaches self-awareness, responsibility, and emotional maturity. For you. For your marriage. For your children.

When you pause, reflect, and then re-enter the conversation as your highest self, something shifts. Not just externally, but internally.

You feel grounded. Clear. Aligned.

And that energy changes everything.

This Is How Patterns Break

Old patterns are automatic. They run fast and loud.

New patterns require presence.

Each time you pause instead of reacting, you weaken the old pattern and strengthen a new one. Each time you choose intention over impulse, you build trust with yourself.

And when you show up as your most loving self, even when it is uncomfortable, you create momentum. In your marriage. In your family. In your life.

You will not be perfect at this. No one is.

But you will never regret pausing, reflecting, and choosing to respond with love.

That is the rule.
And it really can change everything