Episode 15: When You Don't Feel Loved Back

There is one problem I see over and over again in marriage. It shows up in the hundreds and thousands of women I have worked with over the years, and it is surprisingly simple.

Women do not feel loved.

When a woman believes she is not loved back, something heavy happens inside her. She feels overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and hopeless all at once. She cannot think clearly. She does not know where to begin or how to move forward. Life starts to feel unbearable, not because she is broken, but because love is essential to the human experience.

This is what we are talking about today.

What Happens When Love Feels One Sided

When we believe someone or something we love does not love us back, our nervous system goes into distress. We feel unsettled, low, and unsafe. This belief alone can create immense suffering.

Elizabeth Gilbert shares a powerful example in her book Big Magic. A professor once asked her environmental science students two questions. First, “How many of you love nature?” Every hand went up. Then she asked, “How many of you believe nature loves you back?” Every hand went down.

Gilbert explains that this same belief shows up in creative fields. Artists often love their creativity deeply, but when they stop believing it loves them back, everything changes. Passion turns into pressure. Joy turns into suffering.

The same dynamic plays out in marriage.

When a woman believes her husband does not love her back, she does not just feel disappointed. She feels deficient. Heavy. Unworthy. Unsafe. And from that place, it becomes almost impossible to see clearly or feel connected.

Pain Is Inevitable, Suffering Is Optional

Pain is part of being human. Every marriage will experience challenges. Financial stress. Health scares. Parenting struggles. Conflict and misunderstanding.

Suffering begins when we add the belief that we are not loved.

When we believe love is missing, pain turns into despair. We interpret everything through that lens. Every action or inaction becomes proof that we are unwanted.

But there is another option.

The Two Stories We Can Tell Ourselves

In marriage, there are two core beliefs we can hold.

The first is believing your spouse does not love you. When you believe this, your brain immediately goes to work gathering evidence. He does not help enough. He does not text. He does not notice you. He does not initiate dates. The list grows longer by the day, and the belief feels more and more real.

The second belief is that your spouse does love you. When you hold this belief, your brain looks for different evidence. You notice him going to work to support the family. You notice the errands he runs, the responsibilities he carries, the small things he does without being asked.

What we believe is what we find.

This does not mean ignoring reality or pretending problems do not exist. It means recognizing how much power our beliefs have over what we see.

Letting Your Husband Love You His Way

One of the most freeing shifts in marriage is letting go of the manual.

Many women carry an unspoken list of how they should be loved. They may even communicate it clearly. Words. Dates. Gestures. Affirmations. When those expectations are not met, disappointment sets in.

Even when a good man tries to follow the manual, it often creates something inauthentic. He may comply, but it does not feel natural to him. Over time, resentment builds on both sides. He feels like he cannot be himself. She feels like she is still not getting what she needs.

When we let our husband love us in the way that is natural to him, everything shifts. We begin to see love where we once saw absence. Acts of service. Reliability. Presence. Protection. Effort.

At the same time, we are free to love in the way that feels authentic to us. Not to get something back, but because it feels good to love fully and honestly.

Scarcity Versus Abundance in Love

When we believe love is limited, we live in scarcity. We track where our husband’s time, attention, and energy go. Work. Friends. Family. Hobbies. Every place he shows up feels like proof that there is less left for us.

Scarcity feels heavy and desperate.

Abundance changes everything.

When we believe love is unlimited, we stop keeping score. Love is no longer something that can be used up. There is enough to go around. We feel full instead of anxious. Secure instead of threatened.

From this place, we are no longer waiting to be chosen. We already feel chosen.

Filling Yourself First

Imagine needing love, validation, and attention, but believing they can only come from other people. That creates dependence, fear, and resentment.

Now imagine being filled from a source that never runs out. When you feel whole, supported, and grounded, love naturally flows outward. You give freely. You receive without grasping.

This is not about shutting your partner out. It is about standing on solid ground instead of emotional quicksand.

Two Whole People Create Something New

One of the biggest lies we are told about marriage is that two people complete each other.

You are already whole.

Your husband is already whole.

Marriage is not about fixing each other. It is about two complete humans choosing to create something together. From that place, you can face hard seasons without questioning whether love exists.

Love becomes the foundation instead of the reward.

Seeing Love Changes Everything

When we believe we are not loved, we suffer. When we believe love is abundant, we expand.

Nothing has gone wrong if you are in a season where love feels distant. Awareness is the beginning of change. This contrast shows you what is possible.

Look around and notice what you find. Because when you shift the belief from “I am not loved” to “I am love,” the entire marriage starts to feel different, without forcing anyone to change.