Episode 1- Marriage Wants

I have something I want to talk to you about — and it’s one of those things that seems simple on the surface, but once you see it, it changes how you look at your marriage forever.

In episode one of the Spice of Wife Podcast, we’re talking about marriage wants. Not the surface‑level wants like more help around the house or fewer arguments about money, but the deeper want underneath all of it. The one that’s actually driving the tension, the frustration, and the misunderstandings.

Because at the end of the day, we all want the same thing.

We just have very different ways of getting there.

Let me explain.

The Thermostat We’re All Living By

I like to think of this as a thermostat.

A real one and a metaphorical one.

In my house, the thermostat is set at 66 degrees. Old farmhouse, cool air, and I’m perfectly comfortable. My parents keep theirs at 77 and feel amazing. Same outside temperature. Totally different comfort levels.

Marriage works the same way.

Some people feel safe with $100 in the bank. Others don’t exhale unless there’s $2,000 sitting there. Some people can look at bare cupboards and think, We’ll figure it out. Others feel immediate panic. Some people leave dishes overnight. Some can’t relax until the sink is empty.

None of this is wrong.

It’s just different thermostats.

Why Preferences Turn Into Fights

Here’s where things start to hurt.

When your partner’s thermostat doesn’t match yours, it’s easy to make it mean something about you. That you’re failing. That you’re being controlled. That you’re not doing enough or doing it right.

But almost every argument in marriage can be traced back to the same root: someone doesn’t feel safe.

Safety is shaped by our past, our experiences, and what our nervous system learned long before we ever met our spouse. When that safety feels threatened, our body reacts before logic ever gets involved.

What Fear Does to the Nervous System

Think about animals in the wild for a second.

When an animal doesn’t feel safe, it doesn’t calmly talk things through. It goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Every response has the same goal — survival.

Humans are no different.

When you or your husband don’t feel safe, your nervous system takes over. That’s why arguments feel so charged and confusing. You’re not actually fighting about groceries, money, or being late.

You’re responding to fear.

When You Realize “It’s Not About Me”

This is where everything starts to shift.

Maybe your husband gets upset when you’re running late. Not because you don’t care — but because being late feels unsafe to him. There’s fear of disappointing someone, missing something important, or facing consequences.

When you see it that way, the charge disappears.

You stop defending yourself. You start understanding.

The Boundaries We Build to Feel Safe

When our thermostat feels threatened, we instinctively reach for boundaries.

Some of us have no boundaries at all. We people‑please, shapeshift, and go along with things that don’t feel safe because it feels easier than rocking the boat.

Others build huge walls. We isolate, disconnect, and keep people at a distance so no one can hurt us.

And then there’s the boundary we’re all working toward — just enough space to honor what we’re comfortable with while still staying connected. The kind where you can be anywhere, with anyone, and still feel grounded in yourself.

That’s real safety.

Building a Marriage That Fits You

Every marriage has a culture. A rhythm. A thermostat.

Whether it’s money, screen time, groceries, sleepovers, or how you talk to each other — none of it has to look like anyone else’s marriage. What matters is that it feels safe to you.

When you understand your own thermostat, other people’s choices stop feeling threatening. You can honor yourself without needing to judge or control anyone else.

When Fear Turns Your Partner Into the Enemy

Here’s the part that hits deep for a lot of couples.

When fear takes over, your brain can’t tell the difference between friend and foe. In those moments, your spouse — the person you love most — can feel like the threat.

That doesn’t mean your marriage is broken.

It means someone doesn’t feel safe.

Checking Your Thermostat and Speaking Your Truth

So here’s the invitation from episode one.

Notice what triggers you. Notice what feels scary. Get curious instead of critical. Speak from honesty instead of defense.

You both want to feel loved. You both want to feel secure. And when you can see that beneath every argument, navigating marriage gets a whole lot clearer.

I’ll see you next week. Let’s keep spicing things up.