Episode 59: When You Can't Count On Him
There’s a very specific kind of frustration that doesn’t always get said out loud.
It’s not explosive.
It’s not dramatic.
It’s the quiet, simmering feeling of “I guess I’ll just do it myself.”
It’s when he says he’ll do something… and then doesn’t.
Or he forgets.
Or he does it—but not when you needed it done.
And suddenly, you’re carrying not just the task… but the weight of what it means.
I can’t rely on him.
I have to do everything.
Why does this feel so hard for me?
If you’ve ever felt that, you’re not alone. And more importantly—nothing has gone wrong.
The Story Beneath the Frustration
A listener recently shared this exact experience. She talked about asking her husband to do simple things—swap the laundry, feed the dog, help with the kids—and having this quiet voice in the back of her mind whisper:
“He might not do it… and you have to be okay with that.”
That sentence alone carries so much.
Because it’s not just about laundry or dogs or timing.
It’s about trust.
It’s about reliability.
It’s about feeling supported.
And when those things feel shaky, it can start to feel like you’re the only one holding everything together.
Of course that’s frustrating. Of course that’s exhausting.
But here’s where things get really interesting.
You’re Not Actually Struggling With Him
You’re struggling with the gap between how you operate… and how he operates.
You might be someone who thrives on structure. Lists. Timelines. Predictability.
You plan ahead. You follow through. You feel safe when things are handled.
And he?
He might live more in the moment.
He handles what’s in front of him.
He doesn’t think in checklists or schedules.
Neither of these is wrong.
But when your brain decides that your way is the right way, his way starts to feel like a problem.
And that’s where the tension begins.
The Real Source of the Pain
It’s not just that he didn’t do the thing.
It’s what your brain makes it mean.
He doesn’t care.
I can’t count on him.
I’m on my own.
That meaning is what turns a missed task into emotional weight.
And once that pattern starts, it loops:
You ask →
He doesn’t follow through →
You feel disappointed →
You make it mean something →
You build resentment
Over and over again.
The problem isn’t just the behavior.
It’s the story attached to it.
Why Letting Go Feels So Hard
You might be thinking, “Okay, but I just want him to follow through.”
Of course you do.
But here’s the truth most people don’t want to hear:
You’re not holding on because you need him to change.
You’re holding on because you don’t want to feel what happens if he doesn’t.
Disappointment.
Frustration.
Resentment.
Loss of control.
So instead, you try to manage him.
Remind him.
Control the outcome.
Not because you’re controlling—but because you’re trying to feel safe.
Calling Your Power Back
This is where everything shifts.
You can’t control:
His memory
His timing
His follow-through
But you can control:
What you expect
What you take ownership of
How you respond
And this is the part that changes everything.
Because when your sense of peace is tied to his performance, you will always feel unstable.
But when you take responsibility for your own experience?
You become steady—no matter what he does.
What Trust Actually Looks Like
We often think trust means:
“He should do what he says he’ll do.”
But real, grounded trust looks more like:
“I understand how he operates, and I plan accordingly.”
That might mean:
Owning the things that truly matter to you
Letting go when you delegate
Asking clearly, without emotional pressure
Being okay if the outcome isn’t what you expected
It’s less about changing him…
and more about understanding reality.
The Hard Question
Can you love him as he is… not as who you wish he was?
Because the alternative is spending your energy trying to change someone who isn’t broken.
And that creates more distance, not more connection.
A Different Way Forward
What if instead of asking:
“Why can’t I count on him?”
You asked:
“How can I have my own back here?”
What do you actually need?
What truly matters?
What can you release?
Because not everything needs to be controlled.
Some things just need to be held differently.
The Shift
You don’t become more powerful by getting him to change.
You become more powerful by changing how you relate to what already is.
By:
Letting go of the stories
Releasing the conditions
Taking ownership of your experience
Allowing him to be who he is
That’s where the peace is.
That’s where the freedom is.
And that’s where connection actually starts to grow again.
If this resonates with you, this is exactly the kind of work we go deeper into at Marriage & Mocktails—real conversations, real coaching, and real shifts.
You don’t have to carry it all alone anymore.
