Episode 53: Stop Shoulding Yourself: Instead Energize Change

There’s a quiet kind of exhaustion that doesn’t come from doing too much… but from thinking too much about what you should be doing.

It sounds harmless at first.

I should be exercising more.
I should be a better mom.
I should cook healthier meals.
I should be more present, more productive, more organized… more, more, more.

But that constant internal pressure? It’s not motivating you. It’s draining you.

And the truth is, the more you “should” yourself, the further you drift from the kind of change you actually want.

The Hidden Weight of “Should”

“Should” doesn’t just sit lightly in your mind—it carries something heavier underneath it: shame.

Every time you say I should, what you’re often really saying is:

Something about me right now isn’t good enough.

And your brain listens.

It starts scanning your life for proof.
Proof that you’re behind.
Proof that you’re failing.
Proof that you’re not measuring up.

Before you know it, your thoughts become a loop—one that keeps reinforcing the very feeling you’re trying to escape.

And instead of feeling inspired to grow, you feel stuck… tired… and quietly defeated.

Why Shame Doesn’t Create Real Change

There’s a belief many of us carry without even realizing it:

If I’m hard enough on myself, I’ll finally change.

But that’s not how growth works.

You don’t become better by feeling worse.

Think about it—when you feel heavy, discouraged, or ashamed… do you suddenly become energized and motivated?

Or do you want to shut down, avoid, or escape?

Real, lasting change doesn’t come from pressure.
It comes from energy.

The Shift: From Draining to Energizing

Every thought you think is doing one of two things:

It’s either fueling you… or draining you.

And “should” is almost always draining.

So instead of trying to force yourself into motivation, what if you started with something simpler:

Awareness.

Notice what feels heavy.

Not the task itself—but the story attached to it.

It’s rarely the dishes that drain you.
It’s the thought: I’m the only one who ever does this.
Or: I’m so bad at keeping up.

That’s where the energy leak is.

A More Honest Way to Create Change

Instead of jumping straight from self-criticism to forced positivity (which your brain won’t believe anyway), there’s a gentler path:

Neutralize before you energize.

Try this:

Instead of:
I should be better at this.

Shift to:
I’m learning to get better at this.

Instead of:
I never keep up.

Try:
Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.

It might feel small—but this is where change actually begins.

Because your brain can accept what’s true.
And from that grounded place, growth becomes possible.

What You Actually Want

If you strip away all the “shoulds,” what’s left?

Not obligation.
Not pressure.

Desire.

You might realize:

You want to move your body—not because you “should,” but because it feels good.
You want to connect with your partner—not out of guilt, but because you value that closeness.
You want to create a home that feels peaceful—not perfect.

That’s a completely different kind of energy.

And it’s the only kind that lasts.

Becoming Someone Who Feels Good First

Think about the kind of person you want to be.

Not in terms of what she does—but how she feels.

Grounded.
Calm.
Loving.
Energized.
Present.

That version of you doesn’t run on shame.

She moves from clarity. From care. From intention.

And here’s the shift that changes everything:

Instead of asking, What should I do?
Start asking, What would feel energizing right now?

A Different Kind of Growth

Real growth is less like forcing yourself forward…
and more like creating the right environment to expand.

Like a seed in a garden—you don’t yell at it to grow faster.
You give it light. Warmth. Water.

You create the conditions.

And then… it grows.

You are no different.

Try This

Today, just notice:

Where are you “shoulding” yourself?

And instead of obeying that voice… pause and ask:

Is this energizing me—or draining me?
What do I actually want here?
What’s a more honest, supportive thought I can choose instead?

You don’t need more pressure.

You need more awareness.
More compassion.
More space to grow in a way that actually feels good.

Because the truth is…

You don’t change your life by pushing harder.

You change it by learning how to feel better first—
and letting that energy lead the way.