Episode 84: Bad Sex Advice: What Actually Creates a Great Marriage w/ Monica Tanner
Bad Sex Advice, Curiosity, and the Marriage You Actually Want
For so many women, marriage starts with an invisible to-do list.
Be a good wife. Keep the peace. Put everyone else first. Make sure your husband is happy. Have a healthy sex life. Don't rock the boat.
And somewhere along the way, we stop asking ourselves one simple question:
What do I actually want?
This week's conversation with marriage and intimacy expert Monica Tanner challenged so many of the stories we've quietly inherited—not just about sex, but about marriage itself.
The biggest takeaway?
A thriving marriage isn't created by controlling your husband.
It's created by coming back home to yourself.
You Can't Change Your Husband (And That's Good News)
One of my favorite questions to ask every guest is:
How do we transform our marriage without changing our husband?
Monica's answer was beautifully simple.
You can't.
No matter how much you love someone, explain yourself, or wish they would act differently, you cannot control another human being.
What you can control is your own thoughts, emotions, reactions, and choices.
She shared an analogy I absolutely loved.
Imagine three circles.
The center circle is your control—your thoughts, your actions, your responses.
The outer circle is everything you're trying to control but can't—your spouse, your kids, the weather, other people's emotions.
And in between?
Your circle of influence.
Ironically, the more we stop trying to control everyone else and focus on ourselves, the more influence we naturally have.
Not because we're forcing change.
Because we're modeling it.
Don't Jump Into the Pool
One visual from this conversation is going to stay with me forever.
When your spouse is upset, Monica says it's like they're flailing around in a swimming pool.
Our instinct?
Jump in.
Fight back.
Defend ourselves.
Match their emotional energy.
Now both people are drowning.
Instead, she invites us to stay standing beside the pool.
"I can see you're struggling."
"I can see you're upset."
"I'm happy to talk when you're ready."
You're not ignoring them.
You're simply refusing to become dysregulated with them.
That one shift changes everything.
Intimacy Starts Long Before the Bedroom
We often think intimacy problems begin in the bedroom.
They usually begin much earlier.
They begin in our nervous systems.
In our beliefs.
In the stories we've carried since childhood.
Monica introduced a beautiful metaphor borrowed from Emily Nagoski.
Imagine your beliefs about sex as a garden.
Every message you received growing up planted something.
Maybe sex was celebrated.
Maybe it was shameful.
Maybe it was never talked about.
Maybe it felt obligatory.
As adults, we finally get to ask:
Which plants are helping my marriage... and which ones are weeds?
We don't have to keep every belief we inherited.
Curiosity Changes Everything
One theme kept surfacing throughout our conversation.
Curiosity.
Instead of asking:
"What's wrong with my marriage?"
Try asking:
"I wonder what's happening here?"
Instead of:
"Why am I like this?"
Try:
"What is this trying to teach me?"
Instead of assuming your partner should already know what you need...
Get curious together.
The healthiest couples aren't mind readers.
They're explorers.
The Best Sex Advice Might Surprise You
One of the biggest myths Monica challenged was something many women have been taught:
"If you focus on your husband, and he focuses on you, you'll have great sex."
Her response surprised me.
For many women, pleasure actually requires paying attention to themselves.
Not in a selfish way.
In an aware way.
So many women have spent years taking care of everyone else's needs that they no longer know what feels good to them.
They've never been invited to ask:
What do I enjoy?
How do I like to be touched?
What makes me feel safe?
What helps me stay present?
Without that self-awareness, intimacy often becomes another obligation instead of an experience.
Stop Having Sex Conversations in the Bedroom
One practical piece of advice I immediately loved?
Don't have important conversations about sex while you're in bed.
Talk while walking.
Go for a drive.
Fold laundry together.
Wash dishes.
When you're side by side instead of face to face, difficult conversations often become much easier.
Monica even recommends a weekly "Sex Talk Tuesday."
Not because something is wrong.
Because healthy relationships stay curious.
Your Kids Are Watching
One of the sweetest moments of our conversation had nothing to do with sex.
It had everything to do with affection.
Monica described kissing her husband while video chatting with their adult children.
Their children lit up.
Not because their parents are perfect.
Because seeing love between Mom and Dad creates safety.
I see the same thing in my own home.
My two-year-old literally squeals with delight when my husband and I hug.
Children are deeply comforted when they witness genuine affection.
Our marriages become the emotional climate our families grow inside.
The Question Worth Asking
Toward the end of our conversation, I asked Monica what she would say to the woman who simply can't access love for her husband right now.
Her answer wasn't, "Try harder."
It wasn't, "Fake it."
It was:
Get curious.
Why does this feel difficult?
What beliefs did you inherit?
What was modeled for you?
What story are you living inside?
Because healing doesn't start with fixing your husband.
It starts with understanding yourself.
And maybe that's the thread running through this entire conversation.
Whether we're talking about conflict, intimacy, communication, or marriage...
The invitation is always the same.
Come back home to yourself.
Because the healthiest marriages aren't built by perfect people.
They're built by two people who stay curious enough to keep growing—together.
